Before they arrived, we knew the twins would have a NICU stay. I tried to do some research beforehand so I’d know what to expect. That was so dumb and such a waste of time.
There isn’t much info out there about the NICU because it’s a different world that is really hard to understand until you go through it. It’s too much medical terminology and stats I didn’t go to school to understand. It’s getting your hopes up that a cpap machine will be gone for good, just to have it added back hours later. It’s a good day when a surgery goes well! It’s a bad day when you can’t stand not getting to hold your baby as it screams silently thru a vent tube. Its a lot of guilt. It’s blind faith in strangers. It’s Holding one baby while the other one can’t be held. It’s Going home to get rest you know you need, but having to leave your baby in the hands of someone you just met that day to do that. It’s a good hour followed by a red light alarm and a scary heart rate drop. It’s a lot of tears that just free fall out of your eyeballs in front of doctors and nurses with zero inhibition. Like a fountain that got unplugged.
It’s a time warp.
Life is happening outside of the walls of the NICU but it’s incredibly hard to wrap your mind around it’s existence. The world keeps spinning but you are stuck in this moment until your baby can come home and life with a plus-one (or two) can begin.
My sis came over the other day and I had this nagging feeling as I sat there and watched the 4 kids play together. Someone was missing. I numbered off the the kids and all 4 were accounted for. No one had raced out the door or played hide and seek just a few minutes too long. I couldn’t understand who… until I realized it was Emma and Kira.
My heart sank. I was missing my two babies who were still stuck in the upside-down. They’d never been to our home but they belong at home. With me. It was a very strange feeling that I’m still not sure I have shaken. Maybe I won’t until they come home.
There are little mercies in each day, if you look for them. And sometimes big reminders that this is just a season and it will pass.
As Ana Rose would say, “I got boffff (both)” today. I finally got to hold both girls at the same time today.
It. Was. Awesome.
All I could do was sing “For the first time in forever…” #IYKYK ❄️
I have 2 Babies!! I’m a twin mom y’all. And today in the upside-down, I finally felt like one. It was a small (large) victory and honestly it was the best feeling.
Emma weights a healthy 5lbs12oz and Kira is being up the rear with a small but mighty 3lbs13oz. Kira also had a swallow study done after her surgery and passed with flying colors. They were able to fix everything and her esophagus is now a single piece instead of two. And she took a bottle!!! My girl is starting to eat real food!
They are growing. They are healing. They are little miracles… and I do mean miracles. The more I learn about Kira, the more I believe that. I’ll save her full story for my next post.
Bring a tissue.